


i'm running out of reasons, but i can't let go

by empressfall



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Hurt Natasha Romanov, Not A Fix-It, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Pretending canon is actually good and makes sense, Very sad and bittersweet, and Natasha just doesn't understand, and pretty sad i suppose, but Steve still stayed in the past, god i hate steve's character arc assassination but i'm pretending it works for the sake of this plot, kinda OOC for steve but like thats the canon and im gonna use it just for this fic, natasha is alive, natasha struggles to forgive steve, or well she does but she cant move on, pretty angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 16:46:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20604038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/empressfall/pseuds/empressfall
Summary: “no, clint. he was the love of my life, but i wasn’t the love of his.”“tasha—”“that’s the harsh reality of it all. eleven years down the drain. it was her. it was always her for him.”“i know for a fact that steve loved you and he—”“i should’ve known when he started pulling that damn compass out again.”natasha knows that she shouldn’t have been a fool. she will never have steve all to herself. he will always be peggy’s. she just wishes that she could let go as easily as he did.aka some tweaking of the storylines in “avengers: endgame”





	i'm running out of reasons, but i can't let go

**Author's Note:**

> okay so i absolutely disagree with the end of steve's character arc in "endgame". although i DO think that having his dance with peggy was definitely needed, i don't think he should've stayed in the past. i don't believe that he would have ever abandoned his family, especially bucky, after everything he went through in the present. i also don't believe peggy would have ever allowed him to stay.
> 
> that being said, for the sake of the plot of this one shot, i'm gonna pretend i like the russo's canon and that it makes sense. i really don't but it makes sense to keep it for this one shot. just know that i def do not believe steve would've stayed!!!
> 
> we're also going to pretend that steve/sharon and bruce/natasha was never, ever a thing. 
> 
> the title of this fic comes from a lyric from the post malone song "hollywood's bleeding".

There are some mornings when Natasha wakes up and wishes that she never came back from Vormir. She wishes that everyone would have just let her die in peace after her sacrifice. Although she’s grateful to have been given another chance to live with all of the people that had been gone for those five years, a bittersweet part of her knows that there was a price that came with this fortune. 

She’s sitting on the sofa, paying zero attention to the cooking show that’s playing on the television as she snacks on potato chips.

“Too much of those can be fattening, you know.”

“_ Leave _.” She doesn’t bother to turn around. She already knows Clint is standing in the doorway with his “strict dad” look on his face.

Clint sighs and takes a seat next to her on the sofa. He turns the television off and turns to take a good look at her. “You should go out with us. Laura and I are taking the kids to the beach."

Natasha wrinkles her nose. "I'm gonna have to decline."

"I reject that rejection," Clint says. "Come on. It'll be fun. The kids miss you."

She turns to face him, raising a brow. "Are you really gonna use your kids to guilt trip me?"

"It's not _ guilt tripping _," Clint insists. "I'm just saying—"

"Yes, it is."

Clint inhales. "I'm worried about you."

Natasha scoffs. "I wonder why."

"Why don't we just talk about it? We haven't talked about it at all. In fact, I don't think you've talked to anybody about it. Not even Bucky. It's been a month," Clint says.

She shakes her head. "Can't you see that I don't want to talk?" She's starting to get frustrated and she just wants Clint to leave.

Clint looks at her, sympathetically. "You can't keep pushing this back forever. You have to talk to someone. It doesn't have to be me. As long as you talk to someone... you can't keep these thoughts about Steve trapped in your head. Especially now that he's gone forever."

Natasha flinches at the mention of him. "I'll do as I please."

"You can't just hole up in here forever. You know that's not good. We all did enough of that during those five years."

"I lost _ so _ much during that time and even with everyone back, I still lost everything." Her chest tightens as unwanted images of Steve flash in her head.

"Steve loved you. He wouldn't want to see you like this," Clint tries to reason with her.

Natasha lets out a bitter scoff. "Why should that matter? It's not like he chose to stick around. He wouldn't even know."

"I'm not going to pretend I understand who Peggy Carter was to him. That part of his history is something I'm not familiar with," Clint says, "but that doesn't change the fact that what you two had was unlike anything else. You two had a powerful love story. Yes, it ended tragically, but the feelings were genuine."

“No, Clint. He was the love of my life, but I wasn’t the love of his.” Natasha swallows her breath as her cheeks heat up.

“_ Tasha _—”

“That’s the harsh reality of it all. Eleven years down the drain. It was _ her _. It was always her for him.”

“I know that Steve loved you and he—”

Natasha interrupts him again. “I should’ve known when he started pulling that damn compass out again. I should have known that I would never have him the way Peggy would."

"Steve wasn't a bad person. You have to understand that there could be reasons—"

"I already know the reason," Natasha interjects. "Steve may have loved me, but he never loved me as much as I loved him and he most certainly never loved me as much as he loved Peggy. He left me for _her_. He threw away all of our memories together for her. He did that because he loved Peggy more." 

She pauses for a quick second and continues, "I know Steve wasn't a bad person. He was the most wonderful man I knew. That doesn't mean I want to think about how I never stood a chance next to Peggy. I shouldn't be angry at him for what he did. He'd been through so much and he never got to live the life that he wanted. Peggy had been his dream and he finally was able to live his dream. I can't be mad that he sought out his own true happiness. He deserved it."

"It should've been you," Clint says with sorrow. 

"That doesn't matter," Natasha says, "It wasn't meant to be."

She just wishes that she could forget him. She sees him every night in her dreams and it drives her insane knowing that she let him have this much of an effect on her. The Black Widow wouldn't be acting like this at all over a decade ago. It's crazy to her how much things have changed. 

* * *

_Natasha doesn't understand what she's seeing. An elderly man with Steve's features is sitting on a bench, looking out at the water._

_ "It's Steve." _

_ She frowns and turns to Sam. "Excuse me?" _

_ Bucky repeats Sam's words. _

_ Natasha's at a loss of words as she approaches the bench. She swallows her breath as she takes a seat next to the man. _

_ They sit in silence for a minute, before Natasha clears her throat. "Hey, soldier." _

_ "Hi." Steve chuckles, but it's slightly distorted by his old age. _

_ "So... you did something." Her tone sounds amused, even though she doesn't feel that way at all. _

_ " I did. A big something." _

_ Natasha inhales. "You stayed in the past." _

_ "It wasn't the plan when I was going back to return the stones," Steve says, turning to look at her. "But I was there and... I just couldn't leave." _

_ "I can imagine it was hard to leave your home again when you had the chance to stay," Natasha says, sounding slightly bitter. She turns to meet his glance and her heart clenches to see his elderly features. _

_ Steve pauses as if he's trying to come up with the best way to respond to her. "I... It was difficult." _

_ Natasha nods. "I can imagine the internal conflict. You think there's no way you could ever get the life you wanted so you assume that the part of you that wants the family and the white picket fence went into the ice and that a new you had come out of it. But then you actually do have a chance to go back and suddenly you don't know who you are. I bet that's tough." _

_ "Nat—" _

_ "What was it like?" She asks. "To see her again." _

_ A look of shock clouds his features. It seems that he didn't think she would know right away. "It... it felt like home." _

_ Natasha doesn't know how she feels about Peggy Carter. She knows the woman was a legend for her work with SHIELD and for who she was, in general, but now, she has a personal reason to feel disdain towards her. "I guess the present was never enough." She doesn't say it explicitly, but she's certain that Steve knows that she's referring to herself as well. _

_ "I just... I was disillusioned after everything that's happened," Steve says, "I was doubting everything." _

_ "Even us?" Her stomach churns. _

_ Steve's eyes slightly widen. "Natasha, none of this had to do with you. I made a decision solely based on—" _

_ "You don't have to lie to me," she interrupts him. "I feel like I should have always known." _

_ "I never lied about how I felt about you during those eleven years." _

_ Natasha takes a deep breath. This topic of conversation pains her. "Perhaps you didn't, but I still should've known just how much you still loved her." _

_ "She's always been apart of me," Steve says, looking just as pained as she feels. "It's hard to let go, but I need you to understand that I never wanted to hurt you. I—" _

_ “Were you happy?” Natasha asks, even though she already knows the answer. _

_ “Yes.” His voice sounds constricted and she’s sure that his old age has nothing to do with that. "I was so happy." _

_ Natasha smiles at him. It’s a sad one and it doesn’t reach her hollow eyes at all. “Good. That’s all that matters.” _

_ “Natasha—” _

_ “I have to go.” She shakes her head. “Goodbye, Steve.” _

_ “I’m so sorry,” Steve says, sounding as broken as ever. His beautiful blue eyes, surrounded by wrinkles, express sorrow and she tenses while looking at them. _

_ A part of her wonders if he actually regrets leaving her for Peggy. She quickly dismisses those thoughts. They bring nothing but pain to her. _

_ Natasha takes a deep breath. “So am I.” She turns around and leaves before he can get another word out. She can't stay any longer. She'll only become angrier, sadder, and more disappointed. _

_ That’s the last time she ever sees him. He dies from old age not long after. _

* * *

Months and months have passed since Steve died and people keep trying to talk some sense into Natasha. One day, to her surprise, she's visited by an unusual duo: Tony and Sam.

“I think it’s time that you move on,” Tony says, “I know that I have no right to be saying this to you, but it’s been months since _ everything _. Since we defeated Thanos. Since Sam became the new Captain America. Since Steve went back in time and died as an old man. You’ve been dealing with this for six months now and you don't seem to be getting better at all.”

Natasha’s jaw clenches.

“He’s right,” Sam says with a curt nod. “You're still coping.”

"Well, can you blame me?" Natasha crosses her arms. "I have every right to feel this way."

Tony sighs. "We know, but you can't let this destroy you, Red. We know that this isn't like you."

"We know that you and Steve had a relationship that no one else truly understood," Sam says, "but we do know that you both loved each other. A _ lot _."

"You both sound like broken records," Natasha says, "This is all stuff I've already heard from everyone else."

"We're just trying to make sure it sticks this time," Tony says. "Pepper's worried about you. I'm worried about you. We _ all _ are."

Natasha shrugs. "I'm still in one piece."

Sam shakes his head. "Physically, not mentally."

Natasha cocks her head and looks at Tony. "Shouldn't you be playing dress up with your daughter?" She turns to Sam. "And shouldn't you be off parading with that shield?"

"We have other priorities," Tony says, simply. 

Natasha sighs.

"I can't imagine what you're feeling right now," Sam says, "but I know it's not doing you any good to just sit here and mope for months. 

"I know this is hard, but you have to let go eventually. You have to be able to move on," Tony tries to reason with her. "If you keep clinging onto something that's gone, it's going to destroy you."

Natasha resists the urge to scream. She wishes that Tony would just be his normal self, yapping about some achievement of his. She wishes that Sam would just crack jokes with Rhodey. She doesn't want them to focus on her. She just wants to be left alone.

"Self destruction is something I'm good with."

Sam gives her a knowing look. "Look, I don't want to sound blunt, but you really need to think about the reality of this all. Steve... he _left_. He let go of what he had with you and moved on to a new life. I know that he hurt you and that you really do have every right to be heartbroken, but there's more to life than Steve. You still have so much life to live after everything you've been through."

"You need to move on. You have to be able to let go," Tony reiterates. "During those five years, you were one of those people who kept telling others that they had to try and move on with their lives. That they had to live their lives while they still can. That advice should apply to you as well."

"We know you're in love with him," Sam says, "but you can't keep justifying this. You're going to have to let go if you're gonna feel any better."

“I’m running out of reasons,” Natasha drawls, “but I can’t let go.” She sighs. She knows she sounds absolutely pathetic.

Tony swallows his breath. “You deserve to be happy. You can’t wallow in self-pity forever.”

"You're trying to keep it all together, but you don't have to," Sam says, "You can yell at us. You can scream and cry. You don't have to hide your feelings from us, Natasha. We just want to help if you let us."

Natasha knows that they're both right. It's been six months. She has to at least try to move on with her life. If Steve had been able to easily let go of her to live a new life, she should be able to, as well. She has to try. 

* * *

A few days later, she finds herself visiting his old apartment. He had bought a new brownstone in Brooklyn during the five years and whenever he wasn't at the compound, he was here, trying to live a simple life.

A chill runs down her spine as she takes in the familiar scent and sights. This place had been like another home for her during those years after the Snap. She isn't exactly sure why she's here, but she couldn't just turn back now.

Natasha sighs and ambles around the interior as a million memories of this place flood her mind. She remembers the chaotic messes she and Steve made in the kitchen when they attempted to cook dinner. She remembers cuddling up with him on the sofa in the living room as they watched movie after movie after movie. She remembers judging his whole wardrobe, with Steve modeling his outfits in front of her as she laid out on his bed. She remembers everything and it feels like a bullet hitting her.

She slowly walks up to the fireplace mantle, looking at the photos that he had on display. There are almost a dozen pictures of the other Avengers and their friends. There are none of Peggy. If a random stranger had walked in and saw the photos, that person would probably have guessed that Steve and Natasha were together. That person would never have guessed that Steve went back to the past and stayed there to be with another woman. 

It's unsettling to her. After all that they have been through, after all that shared life experience, she still hadn't been good enough for him. Only Peggy had been good enough for him.

Natasha shakes her head, trying to snap herself out of those thoughts. She doesn't want to stay angry or sad. She wants to pretend that she's fine. It hurts to know that Steve's happiness hadn't been with her, but she also knows that he did what was best for him and how could she be mad at that?

Her fingers brush against a framed photo of her with Steve. She remembers when the photo was taken. It had happened during the first Christmas after the Snap. Tony had hosted a small dinner party for their closest friends to celebrate the holiday but also honor the friends and family that they had lost.

Natasha's holding a pie that looks to be in much better shape than the one that Steve's holding in his. She remembers that they had challenged each other to a pie baking contest, trying to lighten the mood. Her chest tightens as she gets flashbacks to that day. The way Steve laughed with her and smiled at her... how did things go from that to the way they are now?

Although she believes she understands why Steve did what he did, she still doesn't understand how things had changed in a blink of eye. He had seemed so happy with her. How had she never noticed that it wouldn't work?

She takes a deep breath and wanders into his bedroom. She freezes for a second when she sees his leather jacket resting on the edge of her bed. She suddenly hears voices in her head. 

_"Steve, why do you wear this old-fashioned looking stuff?"_

_"It's not old-fashioned, Nat."_

_"Okay, fine. Vintage. Really, Steve?"_

_"Hey, it's comfortable. I like it. Try it on."_

_"No way."_

_"Just do it, Nat, and then you'll understand."_

_"Oh, I'm sure."_

_"Just try it on. It's nice."_

_"Hm... Well, I suppose it is."_

_"It looks good on you."_

_"It smells a lot like you."_

_"Well, it's mine, you know."_

_"I don't know... I might borrow it sometimes."_

_"I thought it was old-fashioned."_

_"It is, but it's oversized on me and I can pull off any outfit with an oversized jacket."_

_"You can pull off any outfit with anything."_

_"Aren't you sweet?"_

It still smells like him. She inhales the scent as she holds the jacket in her hands. She pauses when she feels something in the pocket and finds a folded piece of paper inside. Natasha takes his out and holds it delicately in her hands as she unfolds it. 

_Dear Nat,_

_If you found this letter, you were probably digging through my stuff and the only reason that you'd be digging through my stuff is because something happened to me. If you're reading this and I'm literally in the kitchen right now microwaving popcorn, then... disregard this. _ _But if that's not the case, keep reading._

_We're about to go on to be in the fight of our lives. Five years have passed since we lost to Thanos. Five years have passed since our world turned upside down and changed everything. We had each other during this whole time._

_I'm in love with you. You've been there for me since the day we met. You've had my back for years through everything. You kept me up after losing Bucky and everyone else. It was always you._

_But things are bound to change now. We don't know what's going to happen. We don't know if we're gonna be successful with this time heist. We failed in the Infinity War. We could fail again. I don't like to think like that, but I felt the need to take precautions just in case. Losing to Thanos made me realize how precious every moment is._

_I've cherished every moment I've had with you over the past decade. I'm grateful for our friendship and our relationship. I'm grateful that we have the chance to be together. I hope we get to stay together. I hope nothing happens to me so that you never see this. _

_No matter what happens to me, though, I need you to know that you are the only person that made me feel like I was home in the 21st century. You've been my rock through it all and I couldn't be anymore grateful for you. You're the best thing that's happened to me and I don't know how I got so lucky._

_I love you. I just hope you never have to read this. _

_Always, Steve_

She resists the urge to call him a liar. After _everything_ they had been through...

* * *

_Natasha's with him in Buenos Aires when she catches him in a compromising position. "Are you seriously putting a flower bouquet together? You know they sell them in stores around here."_

_"Well, I didn't want Captain America to be caught by Ross because he was out buying flowers," Steve snorts in amusement, "Even if they're for you." He ties a piece of ribbon around the stems of the flowers and hands it to her. "Happy birthday."_

_"You're sweet. Thank you," she says, taking them and sniffing them. "Where'd you even get these?"_

_"You're gonna laugh at me."_

_Natasha raises a brow. "I'll always laugh at you, Steve. What is it this time?"_

_Steve rolls his eyes. "I took a few from the neighbor's mini garden."_

_Natasha's eyes widen. "Steven Grant Rogers! You stole flowers from the dear elderly woman who lives next door?" She pretends to scold him._

_"Hey now," Steve says, holding his hands up in defense. "I figured out how to fix her pipe with minimal knowledge on how plumbing works. It's a fair trade."_

_"That she didn't even know about." Natasha snickers as she goes into the kitchen to fill a cup to put the flowers in._

_Steve crosses his arms. "Since when are you Ms. Righteous? Isn't that supposed to be my title?"_

_Natasha shrugs. "Well, considering we're on the run from who even knows how many countries now, I gotta adapt to our situation."_

_"I see that," Steve says, "I never took you to be into making quilts." He gestures towards the impressive stack of handmade quilts that sit on their sofa._

_"It's either that or gardening. As much as I like flowers, messing with dirt voluntarily isn't something I find desirable," Natasha says, joining him at the table._

_"I suppose," Steve says. He leans forward. "So, what do you want to do today? It's your birthday."_

_"If things were going the way I wanted them to, I'd be partying in Ibiza right now," Natasha responds._

_Steve pretends to think about it. "I don't know, Nat. Ibiza's pretty crowded and it's far."_

_Natasha pretends to pout._

_"And besides, they eat a lot of seafood in Spain and I hate seafood," Steve adds._

_Natasha rolls her eyes. "Sometimes I think your Great Depression taste buds are still intact."_

_"Watch it," Steve says with a smirk. "Besides, Buenos Aires is beautiful. I'm sure we can find something fun here."_

_"We better."_

_Steve shrugs. "Well, to be honest, anything will be fun as long as you're here with me."_

_Natasha raises a brow. "Meaning?"_

_He doesn't answer. He just looks at her with a calculating look in his eyes._

_And before she knows it, he's kissing her. His lips meet hers and they're soft. She holds on for a minute, before they both let go._

_Natasha's taken aback and she looks at him, her mouth slightly agape at what just happened._

_"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. That was too forward of me," Steve says with an apologetic look on his face._

_Natasha chuckles, shaking her head. "Don't apologize." She smiles at how shy he looks right now._

_Steve looks away from her, saying nothing._

_"Seriously," Natasha says, trying to get his attention again. "Don't apologize. I've kinda been wondering how long I was gonna have to wait for that."_

_Steve looks surprised. "Seriously?"_

_Natasha shrugs. "You've always needed practice. Definitely some action."_

_Steve rolls his eyes. "This again."_

_"Mhmm," Natasha says, "You've always needed someone with shared life experiences."_

_Steve raises a brow. "And?"_

_"And?" Natasha chuckles._

_"I didn't think that you would think the same way as me," Steve says. "That you're the person I have shared life experience with."_

_"I'm a smart girl, Steve."_

_"I know that," Steve insists, "I just didn't think you would ever see me the way I see you. The way I've seen you for years."_

_Natasha smiles._

_"I've been in love with you for a while now," Steve confesses. "Being on the run with you has only made that escalate."_

_"I should've guessed that you were always a sappy one," Natasha says with a smirk._

_Steve chuckles, cupping her face with his hands. "Only when it comes to you." He leans in and kisses her. _

_Their story starts. They don't know that it's going to have a disastrous ending. _

* * *

"Can you tap into my mind?"

Wanda looks bewildered as she looks up from the vegetables that she's chopping on the cutting board. "Excuse me?"

"Can you look into my mind?"

Wanda frowns. "Are you really asking me what I think you're asking?"

Natasha nods. She's not sure if she's thought this through, entirely, but she's not gonna just turn back right now. 

"I shouldn't," Wanda says, shaking her head.

"You don't even know what exactly I'm asking you to do."

"But I _do_," Wanda says. "I know. I know you want to see Steve again."

Natasha's chest tightens. "What's wrong with that? I miss him."

"This isn't a way to cope," Wanda insists. "This will end up hurting you more. There are better ways to cope."

"I don't want to do anything else," Natasha says, "I just want to relive it."

"I can't give you more time with him, Natasha. I can't make the illusion for that."

"I'm not asking you to do that," Natasha responds, "I just want to see him once again."

She'll probably never admit it aloud, but she knows that a part of her regrets leaving Steve on that bench. A part of her wishes that she had talked to him and tried to understand his motives. Maybe she would have been better now if she had been able to get closure. 

"I shouldn't. I really _shouldn't_." Wanda looks distraught. "Messing with someone's mind... it's not something I want to do anymore. It's not something that should be used for a coping mechanism."

"It's not like that."

Wanda takes a deep breath. "I know you're still struggling to accept what's happened and I understand that, Natasha. I really do. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, _but_... you're not going about this the right way. You're just holding everything in and hoping that you're going to be okay in the end. This isn't how you should be doing it."

Natasha shakes her head. "Everyone keeps saying that, but you all don't get it. You don't feel what I feel. You people don't get to tell me how I feel."

"I know," Wanda says, "but we get to tell you what we think is best for you."

"_I_ know what's best for me."

"Natasha_—"_

"Please," Natasha says, feeling her heart beat faster. "Just show me one memory. One happy memory. I don't need to see my whole past with him. Just one memory."

Wanda still looks unsure. "This isn't right."

"_Please_."

She supposes it's the broken look on her face that causes Wanda to give in. Barely above a whisper, Wanda says, "Just _one_. I'm only showing you one."

"Thank you," Natasha murmurs.

There's glowing red light and suddenly, Natasha feels as if she's been transported. She looks around and finds herself in Avengers Tower in New York City. It's been a while since Natasha was last here.

She wanders around, trying to figure out which memory she's reliving. It's when she notices Steve hunched over a canvas that she remembers. She swallows her breath when she sees herself posing in front of Steve as he draws her. 

She's a couple years younger when this happened and her hair looks different. Steve's coloring in her hair and Natasha's heart clenches at the sight of a younger Steve.

"Stay still, Nat," younger Steve says with a chuckle.

Hearing his youthful voice makes Natasha's heart beat even faster. This all feels so real to her.

"I _am_, Steve," younger Natasha says with a smirk. "I'm doing this perfectly."

"Whatever." Younger Steve's smile grows wider.

Younger Natasha takes a quick second to scratch her elbow. "How long is this gonna take, grandpa? I can only be a statue for _so_ long."

"I'm almost done," younger Steve says.

Natasha inches closer to them and looks over younger Steve's shoulder. She flinches when she's overwhelmingly met with his scent. She inhales and then looks at the familiar drawing that he's working on. He's always been so talented. 

"You better be." Younger Natasha sighs, overdramatically.

"I am. Trust me," younger Steve murmurs.

Natasha watches as he finishes shading in the color of her hair.

After a few minutes, Younger Steve announces that he's finished. Younger Natasha sighs in relief and gets up from where she's sitting. 

Younger Steve hands the drawing over to her. 

Younger Natasha looks at the drawing and her eyes widen.

Younger Steve smiles, shyly. 

"You're amazingly talented," younger Natasha says in awe at the drawing. "You know... catch me on a good day and I might let you draw me like one of your French girls."

Younger Steve rolls his eyes. "I get that reference now."

Younger Natasha leans against him, resting her head against his arm. "Good. Everything's more fun that way."

Natasha rubs her lips together. Steve's smile still gets her every time. She feels weak in the knees to see him, to see _themselves_ together. It all feels so real and she just wishes she could stay forever. 

"Oh, I'm sure," younger Steve says, amused.

Younger Natasha sets the drawing down on the coffee table. "Come on, Rogers. This was fun, but I'm _starving_. Let's get something to eat."

"Where?" Younger Steve asks.

"That diner in Brooklyn that you like," younger Natasha says with a wink. "My treat."

"_Ah_," younger Steve says with a sigh of relief. "You spoil me." He wraps an arm around younger Natasha's shoulders.

"Anything for _you_," younger Natasha says, teasingly as they head to the exit.

Natasha feels her chest tighten and her throat constrict. She starts breathing so heavily that she can't stand still. "_Oh my God. Oh my God_." 

She catches a glimpse of the drawing and she suddenly sees so many flashes of Steve in her head and it's like it's taunting her. She sees flashes of elderly Steve and it makes her heart churn as she begins to lose her balance.

"It was so... _perfect_," Natasha chokes out as flashes of Peggy Carter appear in her mind. Her heart is beating faster than she can comprehend and she's stumbling over herself as she becomes too overwhelmed with all these images. All she can see in her mind is Steve and Peggy and it eats at her as a scream escapes her lips.

She wants _out_. She wants to grab that drawing and rip it up. "_Lies!_ Everything was a _lie!_"

Seeing Steve again had made her feel things, but remembering the reality of this all was making her lose her mind again. Tears start streaming down her face and she can barely register them as she chokes on them. All she can focus on is the haunting image of Steve and Peggy in her mind.

She barely hears everyone coming into the kitchen, crowding around her as Natasha flails around. 

"Wanda, what did you do?" Clint has an incredulous expression on his face.

Wanda's sputtering out an explanation that Natasha barely hears as her breathing gets heavier and everything starts to feel like it's spinning.

"It's okay, Natasha. It's gonna be okay. Do you hear me? It's gonna be okay," Pepper exclaims, holding onto her.

"Why did he leave?! Why? _Why?!_" Natasha chokes on a tear before falling to the ground. 

"_I'm so sorry_," Wanda sounds so horrified and Natasha just feels guilty.

* * *

After her breakdown, everyone's been walking on eggshells around her. Even though she knows that they're all fairly certain that the're right, they're still careful around her, because they don't want her to freak out like she did a week ago.

They give her some of the alone time that she's been wanting. Whenever they do come to talk to her, they don't bring up Steve or Peggy or anything of the sort. She's thankful for that.

But she knows better than to think that'll last. It's the thought that occurs to her mind as Bucky joins her at the kitchen table while she's poking at her oatmeal.

“You know, you're gonna have to forgive him, eventually.”

Natasha looks up, furrowing her brows. “Are you telling me that you’ve forgiven him?”

Bucky stills for a moment. He licks his lips and responds, “_Yes_. I made peace with his decision a few months ago.”

Natasha looks bewildered. That's not what she had expected at all. 

“I know that’s hard to believe,” Bucky says, “and believe me, it was _really_ difficult. He said he’d be with me until the end of the line. Apparently, that line was way shorter than I had thought it would be. Still, he made the choice that he thought was best.”

“It was _selfish_. He didn’t think about any of us. He—”

“I’m not going to pretend that his actions were selfish, but I did my best to try to understand them,” Bucky interrupts her.

Natasha raises a brow. “And how’d you pull that off?” She knows that besides herself, Bucky had been the one that was most affected by Steve leaving. In fact, she's sure that Bucky has the edge over her on the right to hold grudges. 

"All of us have been through a lot," Bucky says, "We've all had our fair share of pain for different reasons. Steve had his pain. His demons. He was living a life in a time where he didn't belong and where he had lost everything."

Natasha frowns at him. "We were his home. He said that he had let go of his past in order to live a life in the present. We were his family."

Bucky sighs. "I know. I don't agree with him for thinking any of this, but like I said, I've grown to understand. Even though he claimed that he had let go of the past, a part of him was always still connected. Hell, a part of me is still connected to the past. I know that this is where I belong now, with all of you, but I know a part of me still longs for the simpler life I had in the forties."

"What's your point?" She's starting to get impatient. 

"I don't agree with what Steve did because of what it caused, but I do understand that he did what he did to seek out his own happiness. I find it hard to believe that he felt happier there than here, but he still lived a full life and was happy, regardless," Bucky says. "He was putting himself first above everyone else for the first time in his life. He's been through a lot. He's risked his life so many times to save others. He had to adjust to a new life in a time he didn't feel that he belonged it. He decided to be selfish for once in his life."

Natasha knows what point Bucky is making even though he really sucks at trying to get it across, because she had thought about that, too, in the past. She just doesn't want to talk about it. All it does is make her feel so mad, so sad, and so disappointed at how things turned out. 

"I already know that," Natasha says.

"I know," Bucky says, "but you haven't done anything about it. You know this, but you're not trying to move on. You're not trying to let go. You're not trying to forgive him."

"Well, how _can_ I?" She looks at him with a icy look in her eyes. "He abandoned all of us. He abandoned _you_, Bucky. He spent all this time, all this trouble for you. He started a damn civil war between all of the Avengers and defied the government for you. He lost you for five years and when he finally got you back, he _left_. I suppose I get that you understand his motives, but how can you forgive them?"

"It's not easy," Bucky says, looking pained, "I'll admit that. I'm asking you to do something incredibly difficult. I acknowledge that. However, I realized that I couldn't be mad forever. There's nothing that can be done so there's no point in being lost in anger."

Natasha crosses her arms, but says nothing.

Bucky continues, "We've all been through hell and back. We've dealt with enough loss and anger and disappointment. Everything's different now. We won against Thanos. We got everyone back. We should be happy now. I know that with what happened with Steve, it's not that simple for us, but we have the power to make it better for ourselves. You can't just lose yourself in your pain. You have to try to come back up for air."

Natasha tenses. "I don't know."

"But_ I_ do," Bucky insists. "I know that it's gonna hurt, because it hurt for me. Forgiving him and moving on was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I still did it. You just have to try to seek out that peace."

"He broke me," Natasha says, "I thought that he would always be here for me. I thought he would never abandon me."

"I know." Bucky looks sympathetic. "I'm sorry."

"If I forgive him, that means I'm letting him go," Natasha says, "I don't know if I want that."

Bucky shakes his head. "You may be letting go of him, but you wouldn't be forgetting him. He'll always be with you."

Natasha looks away. "Sometimes, I wish I could just forget him." It's the truth. There are days where Natasha remembers too much about Steve and she wishes she could just wipe out all memory of him so that it would stop hurting.

"I get it," Bucky says. "Look, I'm not saying you need to forgive him right now. Obviously, it'll take some time to accept all of this and move on from it. All I'm saying is that you have to forgive him, eventually. You need that closure for yourself. If you keep holding onto something that you lost, you'll never get better. Forgiving him will mean letting go, but you'll feel better. It'll be good to close that door."

Natasha sighs as tears begin to form in her eyes.

Bucky reaches out to hold her hand in his. "I forgave him. I let him go. I will _always_ miss him. I will _always_ wonder why the present wasn't good enough for him. But I will always understand that at least he lived a happy life like he wanted and deserved and despite it all, I know that he would have wanted me to live a happy life too. The same goes for you."

"This is more than I can handle," Natasha says, shaking. A tear falls down her cheek. 

“I’m sorry. I really am,” Bucky says. “I know he cared a lot about you.”

Natasha sniffles. "But it wasn't enough."

She cries again. She doesn’t want to, but she’s unable to stop the tears. Bucky's there to hold onto her, letting her tears run down his metal arm. 

_Why wasn’t I enough?_

* * *

Natasha finds it fitting that Peggy has a memorial within the compound. Steve had added it sometime during the five years. He had wanted to build a shrine to honor everyone that everybody had lost in the Snap and for other reasons. Peggy's picture is hung on a wall in a room that no one has visited since the Blip.

There's some dust on the frame that Natasha wipes away with her thumb. She takes a minute to stare at the photo, taking a good look at the woman that Steve had left her for. She's absolutely beautiful. She knows that Peggy is more than just her looks, but her astounding beauty stands out to her.

"You were perfect," Natasha says, leaning against the wall. She doesn't know who she's speaking to. She's just staring, mindlessly, at Peggy's portrait. "You were always perfect in Steve's descriptions of you. I don't think I ever heard a single bad thing about you."

"You had quite the legacy," she continues, "Honestly, it baffles me to know just how much you accomplished in your lifetime. You're probably one of the most admired women in this country for everything you've done."

She lets out a weak chuckle. "You know, Steve actually said I reminded him of you. I don't know why he thought that. You are someone that I could _never_ be. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be as strong and resilient and admirable as you. There's no one else like you out there, Agent Carter."

"He told me a lot about you," Natasha says, "He really carried on your legacy. I was and I still am in so much awe of you and who you were. Steve was lucky to have known you. He was lucky to have lived with you. A woman like you is hard to find. I guess that's one of the many reasons why Steve could never let you go."

"I can't blame him for that," she continues, "Again, you're a _legend_. Margaret Carter. Your name is still relevant in the world today. But I'm not here to just compliment you. We have Steve, himself, to talk about." Her stomach churns. 

"I actually went to your funeral," Natasha says, "I flew to London and attended. Now, I'll admit that I didn't go for you. I went for Steve. I wanted to make sure that he was alright, but I was still there for the whole service and I heard everything that was said about you. I learned a lot about who you were during that ceremony and I have to say that I really began to admire you more after that."

She takes a deep breath. "I know how much it hurt Steve when you died. I was there to comfort him. He really loved you. He cared so much about you. He was in pieces after you died."

Natasha shrugs. "I picked up the pieces for him and... I actually fell in love with him. I spent a lot of time with him and I couldn't help but fall for him. He was wonderful. He was the best person I knew. I loved him for everything he was. I saw a side of him that I'm sure you were the only other person to see."

"He and I had a story that I could never have just written up," she says, "We weren't perfect but we worked so well together. I was so surprised that someone like me could find happiness with someone like him. I didn't think I deserved it... but we both know Steve. He would never let anyone feel like they're not enough. He was a good guy."

"We were together for years," she continues. "I fell more in love with him everyday. I know it surprised a lot of people that the badass, terrifying Black Widow had succumbed to Captain America's charms, but that's what happened. He and I went through everything together while we were on the run, while we were fighting the Infinity War, and the aftermath. We had that shared life experience that we couldn't ignore. It felt right."

"I've always said love was for children," Natasha says, "That was a pretty foolish statement given everything I felt when I was with him." She pauses. "But one of the most foolish things I've ever done was pretend that he loved me more than he loved you." It hurts her to say it aloud.

Natasha sounds bitter as she speaks, "I shouldn't be mad at you. You barely knew me in this original timeline. You died before everything had gone to shit, so this isn't your fault at all. You couldn't have known anything."

She could never bring herself to blame Peggy. It wasn't her fault at all. She doesn't like to put too much blame on Steve, either. She's always just wanted to ignore it and mope around. But she knows she can't do that now. She doesn't want to talk it out with anyone else. She just wants to be here and pour her heart out to the woman who never knew her enough to have any judgement.

She sighs. "But I just can't help but think that you're the reason I lost him. I thought I was the love of his life the way he was mine, but it was _you_. You were the love of his life."

She rubs her lips together. "I'm glad you took care of him. I'm glad you loved him. He told me lived a very happy life in the past. I'm glad you were able to give him something that I wasn't able to. I'll always be grateful that you kept him happy. Thank you for that. He deserved it. I know that you talked to him several times before you died, but you didn't see the pain he went through after you death. He had a lot of ups and downs. In the end, after everything, I know Steve deserved happiness. I thought it was going to be with me and Bucky and everyone in the present, but that wasn't the case."

Natasha has to hold back tears. "I wish that it _was_ the case, but I'm powerless to do anything about that. He found where he belonged and I'm glad that you were there to welcome him with open arms. He needed someone to love him so deep. He needed someone to be his home. It was _you_, after all this time. I should have known. I should've realized it a long time ago."

Her life definitely would be easier had she just realized it. She never seemed to realize there was a reason Steve would smile so warmly at the mention of Peggy in a way that he had never smiled at her. There was a reason that he would always be happy to talk about Peggy. 

"You had all of him. I only had a piece of him," Natasha says, sadly as she stares at Peggy's portrait. "And now I know I have to let that piece go."

The tears come and she's unable to stop them.

* * *

Natasha's shaking as she enters the Barton house a week later. Laura and the kids are out, but she knows that Clint is hanging out by himself. He doesn't even react when Natasha steps into the living room. His eyes are glued to the television. 

"Hey there," Clint says, lowering the volume of the television with the remote in one hand while holding a BLT in the other.

Natasha sits down on the other armchair. She pauses and blurts out, “I forgive him."

Clint flinches and looks up from his sandwich. “You _ do? _” He sounds surprised and the narrowed look of his eyes tells her that he’s not so sure if he believes her or not. 

Natasha nods. “There’s no point in holding these grudges against him, especially since there’s nothing that can be done to change the past. Steve made up his mind and he lived his life. It’s time for me to live mine.”

“You’re serious?”

“As ever.”

“_Natasha_—”

“I forgive him, Clint,” Natasha says, “I _ do _. It’s been long enough and I need to move on. I know that I’ll never be able to forget him, but I can forgive him.”

Clint purses his lips before saying, “If you forgive him and move on, that means you’re letting him go. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for this. I think that this is the best for you, but… are you sure you’re willing to let go? This can’t be easy at all. You have to be ready or else it could just blow up in your face.”

“_Yes_,” Natasha says, a bit more weakly, “Deep down, I don’t want to, but I know I have to. If I don’t, it’ll eat at me and I can’t go on like that.”

She resists the urge to scoff at herself. The big, bad Black Widow is losing her mind over a _man_. She’s sure that everyone involved in the Red Room program is rolling in their graves right now. Natasha wants to scold herself for falling in love, something that she had known would lead to her downfall. It currently is.

“Wow." Clint looks as if he doesn't even know what to say.

"He moved on. He let go. He made that choice. And as much as it destroys me to know that I wasn't the one for him, I know that he still would never want me to go through any of this," Natasha says. "Everything that everyone said has finally resonated with me." It fucking _sucks_ and Natasha won't pretend that she's not still hurt, but she's willing to move on with her life. 

"We just want what's best for you."

Natasha nods with a sad look in her eyes. "I know. I'm thankful for that." She pauses. "It's good. It's good for me to let go. It hurts but I know... I know I have to do it."

"I'm happy for you, Tasha. I'm sorry, but I'm also happy," Clint says, truthfully.

"Thank you," she says. She sighs. "I just wish I would have said something to him before I said goodbye to him." It had been hard for her to admit to herself, but walking away from Steve on the bench was one of her biggest regrets. She knows she had every right to walk away from him, especially since it pained her to see him old, but she wishes that she would've talked to him and get proper closure. 

Clint reaches out to grab her shoulder. "Everything will get better. It'll probably take a while, but I'm trusting the process and you should too. You'll be okay. I know you will."

* * *

Hours later, she finds herself in Arlington Cemetery in Washington, D.C. She wanders through the overwhelming array of headstones until she finds Steve's. It's unmarked, since the public technically doesn't know what exactly happened to Captain America. The government had agreed to keep it under wraps.

She sighs as she looks at it. "You've really fucked with me, Rogers." She takes a seat in front of the headstone and leaves lilies by her feet. Natasha had this whole speech prepared, but now that she was here, she couldn't remember any of it.

"I was so angry at you. I was heartbroken. I was... too many things that I can't even piece together in words," Natasha says, "To sum it all, I was broken because of you and what you chose to do."

"I thought we had the whole future ahead of us," she continues, "I thought it was gonna be me and you for the rest of our lives. After everything that we've been through, I was under the impression that I would never lose you... but I was wrong."

Natasha sighs. "I don't know what I did wrong. Did I do something wrong? Why didn't you love me as much as you loved Peggy? I gave you everything I had and you became everything to me. I let you in. I'm the Black Widow. My name invokes fear, yet I let all my walls fall down when it came to you." 

"That was probably when the first mistake happened," she says, "because look what you've done to me. I'm a _wreck_. This isn't who I am. I've never been like this. I've never been so weak like this. I was trained to be better than this. But I guess you just can't stop a super-soldier from changing that."

"I fell in love with you," Natasha says, "despite my best instincts, I fell for you and loved you deeply every single day. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have let this happen. Knowing who I am, I should've known that it wasn't going to work out for me."

"But it's _you_," she says, "Things aren't normal when it comes to you. Things don't go to plan when you're involved."

Natasha swallows her breath as she tries to think of coherent thoughts. "You fell in love with me, too. We fell for each other. We let this happen to us and we were fools to think that it could all work out."

She pauses and continues, "But that doesn't mean what we had was bad. I was so happy with you. Those years with you were the best years of my life. I had never been so happy to live and love until you came along. Everything seemed perfect to me and I was in disbelief that I had all that because of you. It only made me fall more and more in love with you every day."

She tenses. "But I should've known better. I'm smarter than this. I shouldn't have forgotten how much Peggy meant to you. I was there at her funeral. I was there every time you were sad because you missed her. I was there to pick up the pieces every single time. Now, in my defense, I suppose I never saw Peggy as a threat to our relationship considering she was, you know, _dead_, but when do things ever stay normal with us?"

Natasha lets out a bitter laugh. "How could I have ever predicted that when you went back to return the stones, you would stay with Peggy and live a life with her? How could I have ever imagined that you would feel happier back then than here? I was an idiot. Love does that."

"I'm not mad anymore. I don't think I am," she says, "I can't be mad forever. I know that you would never have done anything to hurt me. I know that staying in the past was a difficult decision and I can't imagine how painful it was to be so conflicted about what you wanted to do."

"I understand that you've always loved Peggy and that... and that you loved her more than me," Natasha says, "You can't help what you feel and I can't be mad at what your heart says. I was so sad and so disappointed, but there's nothing I can do about that. I know you're a good man, though, so that assures me that although you were being selfish, you deserved it."

She sighs. "You hurt a lot of us when you left. Me and Bucky, especially. I can't even speak for Bucky because that's a story that's probably more tragic than ours but... there's so much I can say about ours. I thought what we had was enough, but I guess it wasn't. I thought that we were in it for the long run."

"As much as I want to hate you forever for hurting me in a way that I never thought I could be hurt, I just can't do it," Natasha says, "I've been through a lot during the past year and I've thought long and hard about this many times. You were selfish. You decided to retire into a life that all of thought you were over. You did it to be happy and you _did_ deserve to be happy. In the end, all I would ever want for you is to be happy."

"I'm just disappointed that it wasn't with me," she adds. "I really thought it'd be you and me. Nonetheless," she pauses to sigh. "I'm glad you were able to live a full life with Peggy. I'm glad she was able to make you happy. I'm happy that you lived the life that you had always dreamed of. You got your dance. You got your white picket fence. You got your happily ever after. I'm really glad. _Really_."

"I wish that our relationship hadn't been the cost for that," she says. "Again, I know you never meant to hurt me, but you _did_ and I can't just pretend you didn't. You threw away what we had. You left me. You chose her over me and that's absolutely heartbreaking. A part of me and everyone else will always wonder why you chose her over what you had here."

She feels herself trembling but she doesn't want to cry. She's already cried too much.

"You were able to let go," Natasha says, "You moved on. You did what I want to do. I want to let go of this pain and move on with my life. I wish this was easy for me, but it's _always, always_ you and that means it can't be. Especially because of how much you really surprised me and hurt me by your choice."

"Everyone's been telling me to move on. To let go. To forgive you," she says, "Even Bucky's been trying to talk me into all of this. They think it'd be best for me to do this for myself. And they're right. It took me a while to accept the truth, but I get it now. I can't hold myself back forever. I know that you wouldn't want that."

She inhales. "I'm still not sure if you deserve my forgiveness. You _abandoned_ me. It's the worst thing that you've ever done to me... but if I don't forgive you, I can't let go and I can't move on. I shouldn't destroy myself like that. I had so many reasons to hold onto you and your memory and the memories we shared. For the longest time, I couldn't fathom doing this."

"But I've been running out of reasons," Natasha says, "and even though, in the past, I couldn't let go despite that, now... now, I _can_. After all this time, I'm going to do what's best for me, just like how you did what was best for you."

She stands up and gently brushes her fingers against the headstone. "I may not have been the love of your life, but _you_ were the love of mine. I'll _always_ miss you... and I forgive you."

Taking a deep breath, she says one last thing, "Goodbye, Steve."

As she walks away, she thinks about how she knows that since Steve created an alternate timeline with Peggy, there must be other alternate timelines out there. It’s silly to think and although she would never consider herself to be the most optimistic person out there, a small part of her wonders if there’s an alternate timeline where she gets her happy ending with him.

It’s a question that she’ll never get an answer to, but Natasha supposes she can live with that. That’s good enough for closure. 

Steve had moved on. He had been happy with Peggy.

She has to live her life. It’s her turn now. 

* * *

Death meets up with her eventually. Even the formidable Black Widow is human and when her time comes, Lila Barton has her buried in upstate New York. She and her brothers think it’s appropriate. Russia is too far of a memory for Natasha to rest there. New York is her home.

“She lived a good life,” Nathaniel murmurs, laying lilies on the headstone.

“It’s what she deserved,” Cooper responds, a solemn expression on his face.

“I just wish we could have buried her next to Uncle Steve,” Lila says. “I’m sure she would have liked that.”

Nathaniel raises a brow at her. “Why?”

Cooper looks equally confused. “Uncle Steve’s resting in Arlington. Only specific people can be buried there.”

“It just would’ve been nice,” Lila says with a shrug. 

Lila is the only one that knows how everything between Uncle Steve and Auntie Nat started and fell apart. When Natasha had deemed her to be old enough to know these kinds of things, she shared her story of love, loss and heartbreak. 

Lila had been in awe at Natasha’s strength. She knows that it must have been hard for her aunt to lose someone she had loved so deeply. She continued to admire her as they both grew older.

Lila knew that her aunt wasn’t the type of person to lay around and mope forever. She had watched as Natasha picked herself up and dusted herself off and moved on with life.

She knows that her Auntie Nat missed Uncle Steve until the day she died, but she never let that define her. She had let him go, but she never forgot him or their memories. Especially whenever his birthday came around. Every Fourth of July, Lila had been there to hug her aunt every time she looked to be on the verge of tears. 

Lila’s most proud of the fact that her Auntie Nat had lived a full life after Steve left. After she finished working as an Avenger, she had spent many years taking groups of trainees under her wing to prepare them for field work. Natasha never fell in love again, but she had been happy, regardless.

Eventually, she retired from her work and spent the last of her years living a quiet life in Brooklyn, taking care of Steve’s old apartment. She picked up new hobbies, spent a lot of time with the people she loved, and essentially, got a life. 

Throughout Natasha’s life, there had been many questions that remained unanswered to her and everybody else. Lila knows her father had many questions that Natasha had refused to give him answers to.

There were a lot of things that they all knew, but a lot of things they didn’t know. They never truly understood how such a beautiful love story had become so tragic. They never understood how Steve had been able to make the big, bad Black Widow fall for his old-fashioned charms. They never understood how Peggy still had a big hold over Steve after all that time. Those were just a few things out of many.

But there _ was _something that they knew for certain.

Natasha hadn't been the love of Steve’s life and he lived a full life without her.

Steve _ had _ been the love of hers, but even without him, she was able to still live a full life. She had been able to let go and move on. She had been _happy_. 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you all enjoyed :) it's a bit sad, i suppose, but i hope you still enjoyed it, nonetheless
> 
> i know steve's hella out of character and that it's very hard to support him in this one shot, but again, i'm basing this off of the russo's canon. whatevs. i love steve and his character arc assassination was the absolute worst.
> 
> thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read this. i really appreciate it. i'd love to hear any feedback in the comments and i appreciate all kudos.
> 
> also, i promise i'm working on all of my other stories!
> 
> twitter: sharonwidows  
xx


End file.
